Day one

Personally I don’t do new years resolutions. I don’t do the “new year new me” thing. If you do more power to you. I do believe that everyday is a new chance to make a difference. In yourself, in the world. It’s a chance to make a difference in someone else’s life. 

Everytime you wake up and open your eyes is a chance to do something different. You have to embrace each day no matter what happened the day before. 

Each day is a chance to forgive and a chance to move on from the things of the past. So I don’t do new year, new me but I believe in new day new chance. So use this day. Day one of 365 to start embracing the days. To start taking chances and making moves. It’s page one of chapter one. 

Have an amazing new year and keep searching for Fireflies.

Reggie.

365 days.

A lot has changed in such a short amount of time. At the beginning of this year I thought I had lost my best friend in the entire world. Yet on the final day of 2017 I sit on her couch after spending the day running errands and spending time together before both of our S.O.s join us. 

I’ve lost people and gained people this year and in hindsight I realize what a blessing each gain and even each loss was. It’s not been an easy year but it’s been a year of change and a year of growth. 

365 days of growth. Growth as a person. Growth as a future wife. Growth as a friend. Growth as a daughter. Growth as a Christian. 

I never thought that I would be here when this year started. I never thought that my life would be like this. No I am not saying it’s perfect, I mean my anxiety and depression still show their mean faces and send me into downward spiral but it’s easier to get back up then it was at the beginning of the year. 

I’m just saying I don’t want to give up as often. I’m saying I haven’t given up on the fireflies. 
In the next 365 days I’m not making any promises but I do want to try to write at least once a week. Honestly I want to do a post every day but I don’t have that much faith in myself. We will see what happens though.

Keep searching for Fireflies ❤

Reggie

A letter to the number I can’t delete.

I cleaned out my contacts today. All the numbers that we’re of no use anymore. Yet when I came to yours I selected and unselected it several times. I told myself “just delete it” “you won’t reach who you want with that number.” “Heaven doesn’t have cell service” . I knew I was right but I didn’t delete it. 

I thought about texting it in fact. Thought about writing out the words I’d wished I said before it was to late. I’ve been fussing at myself since it happened for not messaging you the dozens of times you’d popped into my head. Maybe if I had there wouldn’t be so many people questioning of the accident was really an accident. Maybe I wouldn’t be questioning it. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I know we weren’t super close in the last year but I always counted you as family. 

I’m sorry J. I wish I had texted you about the anniversary of the buffaloing. I wish I had told you I missed you. I wish I’d said something. I wish I had introduced you to “Rueben”. I wish I could rewind time. But I can’t. So instead I keep your number saved. I keep considering texting it what I’d say to you. I wish heaven had phones, it would make this so much easier. 
Bet you can see ALL the fireflies up there. 
Keep searching for Fireflies,

Reggie. 

A letter to the girl in the corner.

I am you. Trying to stay out of the light. Trying to get by without being noticed. Trying to avoid whatever it is that sent you into this corner to begin with.

I’m usually trying to avoid anything that will send me into yet another anxiety attack. Trying to avoid the stuttering and of beat breathing and the inability to form coherent thoughts in a normal response time.
Sometimes I stay in that corner long enough to just catch my breath. Other times I’m there so long I should change my address. I’m there long enough to feel like “Ok, you can face the world again” and then I step out of the corner that me safe. And in those moments I feel like me.
You know those moments, the ones where your smile is real and genuine and you can laugh without it being forced. Oh how I live for& love those moments, how I love those moments. The moments where I see a brief flash of the Reggie I was before anxiety and depression started to rule my life.
Oh but how few and far between those moments are. It feels like I blink and poof I am scurrying back to that corner. Back to so called safety. It isn’t though, it isn’t safe. The darkness of that corner is where the anxiety and depression live, it’s where they wait for me. I hate that corner. I hate that it loves me and seems so inviting from the middle of the room.
I’m tired of that corner. I’m tired of the battle with these monsters. Its a losing battle it feels like. And I’m tired of losing. My only choice in this battle I’m tired of fighting are to win or give up and I want to win, I will win. It will take time I know, and lots of prayer. I can do this.

Keep searching for Fireflies. 

Reggie

Effort

Being a grown up is hard. Like really hard. I think the thing I struggle the most with though is keeping in touch with people. I feel like this is probably a lot of peoples week points though. We find ourselves saying things like “let’s make plans!” Or “we should totally get together soon it’s been ages”. And then we go seven months without talking to that person again. If we even talk to them then. 

It’s costs us friends and loved ones and memories. We don’t do it on purpose, or at least I don’t. It’s justhard to match up everyone’s schedules. We let time get away from us. We pour ourselves into our job and work way more then we should. We lose that social life we all so desperately want and figure that social media will keep it alive. It doesn’t though. If anything social media is one of the #1 reasons our social life dies. 

We are all so busy trying to get ahead in life we forget that love and friendship are such important things. Things that need work and attention. We try and blame everyone else for our relationships fizzing out but most of the time it’s our own fault. 

I’ll admit it’s my fault. My depression and anxiety keep me from reaching out so instead I keep myself busy by over working and exhausting myself. I find myself letting my schedule get in the way, i find myself making excuses. I’m afraid when I do get to know a person, or more when they get to know me, they aren’t going to like what they see. 

It’s not that I am an unlikable person it’s just that my brain tells me I’m not good enough. 

I want to be better at staying in touch and making plans and that’s what I’m going to work towards. I’m going to fight my brain. I’m going to fight my anxiety. I guess we will see who wins. 

Keep searching for Fireflies. 

Reggie. 

PS.

Still accepting Q &A emails at searching4firefliesblog@gmail.com