anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized

Five year question . 

When I was 18 I was asked where I saw myself in five years. I’m sure you’ve probably been asked that before it’s  the usual question of the “adults” in your life. It was a question  I HATED getting asked because at 18 mkst days i wanted to be dead. Today on my 23rd birthday I am in a place that is completely different then where I wanted to be at 18. 

When I was 18 I was sure that if I hadn’t given up by  23 I would be an RN, married and maybe even have a kid. Sometime I wish I was where 18 year old me wanted me to be. I’ve come to realize though that maybe that’s not where God wanted me but where I wanted me. I wanted to be a young wife and mom, and yes I know ” you still have time for that Reggie, 23 isn’t old”. Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve heard it a million times. where I’m at wasn’t my five year plan though. 

Where I’m at is working in a daycare with amazing children I get to watch grow and learn and become small humans. Where I am is engaged to an amazing man who I will call my husband before year six starts a year from now. A man who I’ll be able.tp call the father of my children hopefully by year seven. Where I am is content and happy with the life i see unfolding before, the life that seems to be more of what God has planned, or at least I hope so. 

Where I am is 23, alive and not thinking about giving up. 

So during this 23rd year of life I will keep my eyes looking for fireflies and on God more than I did in the 22nd.
Keep searching for Fireflies.

Reggie.

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anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized

A year ago. 

An entire year has passed since i had to say goodbye to a place I called home for almost 12 years. It was a hard goodbye. It was a insane battle of packing up a house that had been lived in by four people suffering from depression and another three dealing with it in the best way they could. 

None of us really wanted to leave. It was not buy choice that we were packing up our lives. The stress of it all even put one of us in the hospital. Everyone was at the end of their rope and trying not to lose it on each other. It was a rough time.

I feel that it was for the best though that if we hadn’t have left when we did we would have been consumed but the depression that place was growing. I’m not saying the move fixed us all completely but I think it did start a healing process. We had been fighting for so long to keep that place because it’s all any of us really knew anymore. 

It was the close of a chapter that at the time we thought was the close of a book. It was the start of changes that none of us saw coming. This place was a fresh start and even though it wasn’t perfect it’s what we needed. I don’t even know the people we were last year anymore. Moving here was a big step in faith. 

Faith that God was in the move. Faith that we wouldn’t lose my dad to his alcohol problem anymore that we already had. Faith that it wasn’t a huge mistake. It was iffy at first but today, a year later my dad is eager to go to church and eager to talk to God. Last night I watched him walk into an alter for the first time in almost two years. I saw him let people pray for him. I saw him reach for God and all I could do was thank God. 

No it wasn’t easy and no I wasn’t super excited about it in the beginning but now looking back I’m glad we moved here. I’m glad this is where we were led. I’m thankful for the fireflies. 

So keep searching for Fireflies Guys. 

Reggie. 

anxiety · depression · Hope · Uncategorized

A good day

Today was a good day. Today I talked my someone who was my best friend most of my life for hours and it felt like old time. It showed me that maybe things can go back to how they were. Maybe not completely because things that have happened who have changed us, but maybe it’s the start of a new beginning. We won’t be able to get this past year back but we can use it as a learning experience to improve our relationship together for the future. Today I saw a firefly of hope for us. 

 Today I also ran into one of my old babies. When I first started teaching about 3 years ago I didn’t think it would be what I did with my life. Sometimes I’m still not sure but I do know that I’ll be doing it for a while. I was at the same center for a while and made some strong connections with the kids and their families so when I walked into a restaurant today for lunch and saw one of the babies from my second year of teaching I almost cried. Lately I have been missing them so much that it hurt. So to be able to walk up to that family today and have an amazing welcoming greeting did my heart good. And to see the child’s response when they realized who I was was another firefly for my day. 
Sometimes it’s the little things like the chance of a new beginning or even the loving memories of the past that light up your dark skies. You just have to keep looking because you never know where you will find those little fireflies. 




So keep searching for fireflies.

Reggie

Hope · life · worth

Stand up. 

This post is about standing up for yourself. For what you believe in. I believe that if you love someone you try every avenue of working out problems. You figure out what works. . And what doesn’t. You learn together and that will help you love together. 

I believe that you shouldn’t let someone come between you and your spouse, not a family member, not a friend, not a co-worker. NO ONE. well ok you can let God come between you but if he comes between you then maybe you shouldn’t be each other’s spouses to begin with. But that’s another topic for another post. 

I believe that you should build each other up not tear each other down. 

Stand up for yourself but also stand up for them. Help them find the fireflies in life while.you look for your own. This one doesn’t just go for spouses this goes for everyone. Sometimes helping someone else see some Fireflies shows you your own. 

Keep searching for fireflies. 

Reggie. 

 

anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized

Opinions

I posted a picture on my social media today. I didn’t look at it for ten minutes. I don’t take twelve to chose from. I took one and I posted it. Sure I added a filter but I didn’t try every one. 

That was a first. I’m praying it won’t be the last time though because it felt freeing. I’m so tired of trying to impress everyone. I want to be happy and love the life I live and by loving under the thought that everyone else’s opinion matters won’t let me do that. I’m slowly seeing the Fireflies through the fog of the rest of society and man, they are BRIGHT. 

Keep searching for Fireflies. 

Reggie.

Hope

Searching For Fireflies.

If you were a kid in the south you probably spent many warm summer nights with a jar or some sort of container looking for a twinkle of light. Just a quick flash that signaled a firefly. As a kid I just saw fireflies an as excuse to stay out after dark and run around with neighbor kids. It was just a tradition, nothing of real importance.
As I got older I started having anxiety attacks and falling into these depressions that I couldn’t control and sometimes just wanted to give in to. There were several times in my teen years that I wanted to give in to the thought that people’s lives would be better without me. When I got into those moments I tried my hardest to focus on the things I’d been told growing up. Focus on the bible verses and praying.
See I raised myself in church. I started going at four, by myself on a bus. My family didn’t start going for another four or five years. So church was important to me longer than it was to my family but sometimes it felt like they shoved it in my face and forced me to try to rely on it when I was faltering in my faith. Looking back im glad they did, but that’s a different story for a diffrent post.
Anyways, one night I was having one of my “episodes” and decided to sit on my porch. It was probably late April early May and I’m just sitting on my porch stairs staring at the sky praying for God to give me a sign. To show me any kind of sign that there was some hope for me and for my life. and just as I finished praying and opened my eyes I see it. The first Firefly of the season. It may seem silly but I took that as my sign that even in the dark night of my light there was a Firefly of hope. that there was even just a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. that everything would be ok.
I am glad I took that sign, most days. I am not going to lie sometimes it is hard. I struggle but I always look for that firefly of hope. This is how I make it through, by searching for fireflies.
Yours truly,
Reggie.