I should be celebrating one month of marriage.
Instead I am celebrating the fact that I haven’t cried over him today.
I should be cooking dinner for my husband.
Instead I work extra hours so I can fall straight to sleep when I get home.
I should be going to my own home at a new address that is in my name.
Instead I go back to my parents house and hide in a room I was ready to part with.
Life isn’t wat I was expecting it to be. Life isn’t where it should be.
Instead life is upside down and broken and I am lost and confused.
I’m still trying to search for a Firefly but it’s just to dark to even see that light right now.
For somewhere that wants to be called “home” you can be offly exclusive. I’ve called you “home” most of my life and now that I’ve stepped away for a bit that “family” I came to know isn’t allowed to talk to me.
That’s not how home works. I’ve none most of those people since I was 4 but if they saw me on the street they aren’t allowed to talk to me. If I called them up they probably wouldn’t answer. If I invited them to take part in an event, and even if they wanted to attend they would be highly advised not to. That’s not how anhoke or family works. That’s how the mob works.. or a cult.
I can’t see a family not being happy for a member when there life is Changing in a way that is clearly for the better. I can’t see a family suddenly dropping any support they had for a person because there life got busy or because they had to move. Not when you’ve been family nineteen years.
Maybe I don’t understand family. Maybe that is how family works. The same “family” that’s not being a family though is who helped give me my base knowledge of family. The knowledge I built all my relationships on. I just can’t see myself doing that to the “family” I’ve built.
Keep searching for Fireflies ❤
I am you. Trying to stay out of the light. Trying to get by without being noticed. Trying to avoid whatever it is that sent you into this corner to begin with.
I’m usually trying to avoid anything that will send me into yet another anxiety attack. Trying to avoid the stuttering and of beat breathing and the inability to form coherent thoughts in a normal response time.
Sometimes I stay in that corner long enough to just catch my breath. Other times I’m there so long I should change my address. I’m there long enough to feel like “Ok, you can face the world again” and then I step out of the corner that me safe. And in those moments I feel like me.
You know those moments, the ones where your smile is real and genuine and you can laugh without it being forced. Oh how I live for& love those moments, how I love those moments. The moments where I see a brief flash of the Reggie I was before anxiety and depression started to rule my life.
Oh but how few and far between those moments are. It feels like I blink and poof I am scurrying back to that corner. Back to so called safety. It isn’t though, it isn’t safe. The darkness of that corner is where the anxiety and depression live, it’s where they wait for me. I hate that corner. I hate that it loves me and seems so inviting from the middle of the room.
I’m tired of that corner. I’m tired of the battle with these monsters. Its a losing battle it feels like. And I’m tired of losing. My only choice in this battle I’m tired of fighting are to win or give up and I want to win, I will win. It will take time I know, and lots of prayer. I can do this.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
I would have stood up for you. Heck I did stand up for you. Then you looked me in the face and LIED to me. I put my relationship with the man I’m spending forever with on the line for our “friendship”.
I don’t know what kind of friends you have had but you don’t lie to your friends. You don’t make your friends “look like the enemy” to their S.O. and family. You don’t make your friend look like a fool.
You’ve made me be closed off to anyone who tries to be my friend. You’ve made trust even harder for me then it was before. Do you know how STUPID you made me look and feel. I thought you were someone I could count on.
I trusted you and you lied to me. I just want to yell at you but I also want nothing to do with you ever again. I don’t ever want to open my phone and see a message from you or your name and face by a post. I just want to erase you and your memory from my life. I can’t believe I let you make a fool out of me.
I have to show myself to tthe people who told me how you truly were. People I defended you too. I have to hear those hated and despised words “I told you so.”. And you know these people you know they will use that phrase.
I’d like to say I wish the best for you but right now I don’t wish you anything except to stay far away from me.
When I was 18 I was asked where I saw myself in five years. I’m sure you’ve probably been asked that before it’s the usual question of the “adults” in your life. It was a question I HATED getting asked because at 18 mkst days i wanted to be dead. Today on my 23rd birthday I am in a place that is completely different then where I wanted to be at 18.
When I was 18 I was sure that if I hadn’t given up by 23 I would be an RN, married and maybe even have a kid. Sometime I wish I was where 18 year old me wanted me to be. I’ve come to realize though that maybe that’s not where God wanted me but where I wanted me. I wanted to be a young wife and mom, and yes I know ” you still have time for that Reggie, 23 isn’t old”. Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve heard it a million times. where I’m at wasn’t my five year plan though.
Where I’m at is working in a daycare with amazing children I get to watch grow and learn and become small humans. Where I am is engaged to an amazing man who I will call my husband before year six starts a year from now. A man who I’ll be able.tp call the father of my children hopefully by year seven. Where I am is content and happy with the life i see unfolding before, the life that seems to be more of what God has planned, or at least I hope so.
Where I am is 23, alive and not thinking about giving up.
So during this 23rd year of life I will keep my eyes looking for fireflies and on God more than I did in the 22nd.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
An entire year has passed since i had to say goodbye to a place I called home for almost 12 years. It was a hard goodbye. It was a insane battle of packing up a house that had been lived in by four people suffering from depression and another three dealing with it in the best way they could.
None of us really wanted to leave. It was not buy choice that we were packing up our lives. The stress of it all even put one of us in the hospital. Everyone was at the end of their rope and trying not to lose it on each other. It was a rough time.
I feel that it was for the best though that if we hadn’t have left when we did we would have been consumed but the depression that place was growing. I’m not saying the move fixed us all completely but I think it did start a healing process. We had been fighting for so long to keep that place because it’s all any of us really knew anymore.
It was the close of a chapter that at the time we thought was the close of a book. It was the start of changes that none of us saw coming. This place was a fresh start and even though it wasn’t perfect it’s what we needed. I don’t even know the people we were last year anymore. Moving here was a big step in faith.
Faith that God was in the move. Faith that we wouldn’t lose my dad to his alcohol problem anymore that we already had. Faith that it wasn’t a huge mistake. It was iffy at first but today, a year later my dad is eager to go to church and eager to talk to God. Last night I watched him walk into an alter for the first time in almost two years. I saw him let people pray for him. I saw him reach for God and all I could do was thank God.
No it wasn’t easy and no I wasn’t super excited about it in the beginning but now looking back I’m glad we moved here. I’m glad this is where we were led. I’m thankful for the fireflies.
So keep searching for Fireflies Guys.
Today was a good day. Today I talked my someone who was my best friend most of my life for hours and it felt like old time. It showed me that maybe things can go back to how they were. Maybe not completely because things that have happened who have changed us, but maybe it’s the start of a new beginning. We won’t be able to get this past year back but we can use it as a learning experience to improve our relationship together for the future. Today I saw a firefly of hope for us.
Today I also ran into one of my old babies. When I first started teaching about 3 years ago I didn’t think it would be what I did with my life. Sometimes I’m still not sure but I do know that I’ll be doing it for a while. I was at the same center for a while and made some strong connections with the kids and their families so when I walked into a restaurant today for lunch and saw one of the babies from my second year of teaching I almost cried. Lately I have been missing them so much that it hurt. So to be able to walk up to that family today and have an amazing welcoming greeting did my heart good. And to see the child’s response when they realized who I was was another firefly for my day.
Sometimes it’s the little things like the chance of a new beginning or even the loving memories of the past that light up your dark skies. You just have to keep looking because you never know where you will find those little fireflies.
So keep searching for fireflies.
I posted a picture on my social media today. I didn’t look at it for ten minutes. I don’t take twelve to chose from. I took one and I posted it. Sure I added a filter but I didn’t try every one.
That was a first. I’m praying it won’t be the last time though because it felt freeing. I’m so tired of trying to impress everyone. I want to be happy and love the life I live and by loving under the thought that everyone else’s opinion matters won’t let me do that. I’m slowly seeing the Fireflies through the fog of the rest of society and man, they are BRIGHT.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
Today I feel like running away. Today I feel like disappearing. Today I feel like I don’t matter. Today I feel like not existing. Today is hard. Today is painful. Today it feels like my anxiety is winning. Today it feels like my depression is in charge. Today I feel like giving up and giving in.
I don’t like today. Maybe tomorrow will be better….. Maybe.
Keep searching for fireflies.
So far after starting this new blog I feel so much better. I had a previous blog, and I loved it. It was such a release to write there, but I was convinced to go public and let everyone know about it. I thought it was a good idea for a while but then it just turned into another trigger for my anxiety. “Is anyone going to read it?” “Is it long enough?” “Does it make perfect sense?” ” Is it pretty? ” These along with so many other questions racing through my mind kept me from being able to make a post. So I decided to create this one.
It has been so freeing and uplifting honestly. The anonymous factor is amazing. None of you can bump into me on the street, or in the grocery store and say “oh, hey I read your blog and _______” whatever thought follows. Sure you can comment here but I don’t feel like it would have the same effect. Where on the other one it would take days for a post to be ready, here I think it, I type it, I post it. If you read it great, if you don’t great. Of course I hope someone reads what I have to say but I don’t have to scroll through my Facebook wondering who has read my post. Somehow this is just another one of my fireflies.
So, keep searching for fireflies lovelies.