I posted a picture on my social media today. I didn’t look at it for ten minutes. I don’t take twelve to chose from. I took one and I posted it. Sure I added a filter but I didn’t try every one.
That was a first. I’m praying it won’t be the last time though because it felt freeing. I’m so tired of trying to impress everyone. I want to be happy and love the life I live and by loving under the thought that everyone else’s opinion matters won’t let me do that. I’m slowly seeing the Fireflies through the fog of the rest of society and man, they are BRIGHT.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
Today I feel like running away. Today I feel like disappearing. Today I feel like I don’t matter. Today I feel like not existing. Today is hard. Today is painful. Today it feels like my anxiety is winning. Today it feels like my depression is in charge. Today I feel like giving up and giving in.
I don’t like today. Maybe tomorrow will be better….. Maybe.
Keep searching for fireflies.
So far after starting this new blog I feel so much better. I had a previous blog, and I loved it. It was such a release to write there, but I was convinced to go public and let everyone know about it. I thought it was a good idea for a while but then it just turned into another trigger for my anxiety. “Is anyone going to read it?” “Is it long enough?” “Does it make perfect sense?” ” Is it pretty? ” These along with so many other questions racing through my mind kept me from being able to make a post. So I decided to create this one.
It has been so freeing and uplifting honestly. The anonymous factor is amazing. None of you can bump into me on the street, or in the grocery store and say “oh, hey I read your blog and _______” whatever thought follows. Sure you can comment here but I don’t feel like it would have the same effect. Where on the other one it would take days for a post to be ready, here I think it, I type it, I post it. If you read it great, if you don’t great. Of course I hope someone reads what I have to say but I don’t have to scroll through my Facebook wondering who has read my post. Somehow this is just another one of my fireflies.
So, keep searching for fireflies lovelies.
Have you ever tried to freeze mayo? Where I work we need ice packs a lot. We have lots of booboos and, we have found the best thing to use for little booboos are sauce packets. For example mayo. There are times when someone needs the actual sauce so we just grab a pack and let it thaw. Usually they work like normal. Except mayo.
When mayo thaws after being frozen it doesn’t take it’s “solid” like form. It turns into a liquid. I feel like people con be like that. When someone is cold to you for some time you change. You’re still the same person but you’re different at the same time. Mayo is still made of the same ingredients but it’s form is different.
You can’t “freeze” someone and expect them to be 100% the same. Yes ,they will still have all those “ingredients” you saw in them before but they will show themselves differently.
Keep searching for fireflies,
I guess you would say I’m unmedicated by choice, though I’m really not. You see I’d love to be medicated, especially if it really helped but there are a few reasons I never have been.
Reason one, I have no insurance and I am a lower-middle class american. Which means going to the doctor unless I’m on my death bed it’s just out of the question. It’s not affordable cash wise or time wise. Like in order to go I have to make sure and get as many hours as possible and not eat for a few weeks. Plus I would have to miss work to go.
Reason two, for years I refused to admit, even to myself, that there was something that wasn’t working right in my brain. Even though 4 out of the 7 people in my family are diagnosed and medicated (the other two are still really young) I couldn’t do it. I had to be the “normal” one. How I CRAVED to be “normal”. That was before I realized that was just a setting on the washer.
Because I craved being normal and wouldn’t admit to anyone I had something going on I refused to see a doctor. I refused to talk to anyone who was being paid to listen to my problems. Oh how I wish I could go back and tell young me that it’s ok not to be “normal”. It’s ok to express yourself. Truthfully though I don’t know if I would be able to talk to anyone now. Though, I guess that’s kinda what I’m doing here. I’m talking to someone. Even if it is mostly just myself and no one ever reads these words other than me. I’m talking. I’m getting it out.
This blog will be my therapist, my doctor, and my medicine. For the time being at least. Maybe one day I’ll finally give in. I’ll finally talk to a real person that’s sitting across from me.
Keep searching for fireflies.