I posted a picture on my social media today. I didn’t look at it for ten minutes. I don’t take twelve to chose from. I took one and I posted it. Sure I added a filter but I didn’t try every one.
That was a first. I’m praying it won’t be the last time though because it felt freeing. I’m so tired of trying to impress everyone. I want to be happy and love the life I live and by loving under the thought that everyone else’s opinion matters won’t let me do that. I’m slowly seeing the Fireflies through the fog of the rest of society and man, they are BRIGHT.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
Today I feel like running away. Today I feel like disappearing. Today I feel like I don’t matter. Today I feel like not existing. Today is hard. Today is painful. Today it feels like my anxiety is winning. Today it feels like my depression is in charge. Today I feel like giving up and giving in.
I don’t like today. Maybe tomorrow will be better….. Maybe.
Keep searching for fireflies.
This week I took a big stand, against my anxiety and for myself. In past relationships I’ve laid down and taken whatever my S.O. has said and dished. Even if it meant pain to me. I’ve made life choices based completely on them. I’ve lied to family and myself. All because my anxiety told me if I didn’t of be alone again.
This time I stood my ground even if it meant the end of my engagement. I prayed that what God had in-store be done. Then I sat there and told my anxiety to step back and I put my foot down. I decided I was worth more then what I was receiving. Told the man I plan on marrying that I was tired of coming in second. I realized that I am worthy of love and devotion even with my thoughts out in the open and not just as a puppet.
It make take time but I’m realizing my worth. One firefly at a time.
So keep searching for fireflies.
I guess you would say I’m unmedicated by choice, though I’m really not. You see I’d love to be medicated, especially if it really helped but there are a few reasons I never have been.
Reason one, I have no insurance and I am a lower-middle class american. Which means going to the doctor unless I’m on my death bed it’s just out of the question. It’s not affordable cash wise or time wise. Like in order to go I have to make sure and get as many hours as possible and not eat for a few weeks. Plus I would have to miss work to go.
Reason two, for years I refused to admit, even to myself, that there was something that wasn’t working right in my brain. Even though 4 out of the 7 people in my family are diagnosed and medicated (the other two are still really young) I couldn’t do it. I had to be the “normal” one. How I CRAVED to be “normal”. That was before I realized that was just a setting on the washer.
Because I craved being normal and wouldn’t admit to anyone I had something going on I refused to see a doctor. I refused to talk to anyone who was being paid to listen to my problems. Oh how I wish I could go back and tell young me that it’s ok not to be “normal”. It’s ok to express yourself. Truthfully though I don’t know if I would be able to talk to anyone now. Though, I guess that’s kinda what I’m doing here. I’m talking to someone. Even if it is mostly just myself and no one ever reads these words other than me. I’m talking. I’m getting it out.
This blog will be my therapist, my doctor, and my medicine. For the time being at least. Maybe one day I’ll finally give in. I’ll finally talk to a real person that’s sitting across from me.
Keep searching for fireflies.