This may need a trigger warning. So I’m gonna add it now. I don’t really know how to do that. So if it needs changed someone let me know.
You can’t create secrets and lies in a relationship and then tell the other person there are to many and you want out. That’s not how it works. That’s not how a marriage or any relationship should work. You don’t get to create a situation just to back out when you start to get uncomfortable.
I’m so tired of people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. Especially when doing that tears another person down enough to make them want to end things. If you can make a person you claim to love want to take their own life then you need to rethink your definition of love.
I can’t even get all the words I’m feeling out because they are getting stuck. Because these entire situation shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t be listening to the pained sobs of a girl that has done everything in her power to please a man that she loves and thought loved her. A girl who has been doing things no woman should ever be asked to do just so she can keep a man she vowed to love till death do them part.
I’m so angry and mad. I just needed a vent.
I’m still searching for the fireflies in this one.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
I posted a picture on my social media today. I didn’t look at it for ten minutes. I don’t take twelve to chose from. I took one and I posted it. Sure I added a filter but I didn’t try every one.
That was a first. I’m praying it won’t be the last time though because it felt freeing. I’m so tired of trying to impress everyone. I want to be happy and love the life I live and by loving under the thought that everyone else’s opinion matters won’t let me do that. I’m slowly seeing the Fireflies through the fog of the rest of society and man, they are BRIGHT.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
Today I feel like running away. Today I feel like disappearing. Today I feel like I don’t matter. Today I feel like not existing. Today is hard. Today is painful. Today it feels like my anxiety is winning. Today it feels like my depression is in charge. Today I feel like giving up and giving in.
I don’t like today. Maybe tomorrow will be better….. Maybe.
Keep searching for fireflies.
So far after starting this new blog I feel so much better. I had a previous blog, and I loved it. It was such a release to write there, but I was convinced to go public and let everyone know about it. I thought it was a good idea for a while but then it just turned into another trigger for my anxiety. “Is anyone going to read it?” “Is it long enough?” “Does it make perfect sense?” ” Is it pretty? ” These along with so many other questions racing through my mind kept me from being able to make a post. So I decided to create this one.
It has been so freeing and uplifting honestly. The anonymous factor is amazing. None of you can bump into me on the street, or in the grocery store and say “oh, hey I read your blog and _______” whatever thought follows. Sure you can comment here but I don’t feel like it would have the same effect. Where on the other one it would take days for a post to be ready, here I think it, I type it, I post it. If you read it great, if you don’t great. Of course I hope someone reads what I have to say but I don’t have to scroll through my Facebook wondering who has read my post. Somehow this is just another one of my fireflies.
So, keep searching for fireflies lovelies.
Have you ever tried to freeze mayo? Where I work we need ice packs a lot. We have lots of booboos and, we have found the best thing to use for little booboos are sauce packets. For example mayo. There are times when someone needs the actual sauce so we just grab a pack and let it thaw. Usually they work like normal. Except mayo.
When mayo thaws after being frozen it doesn’t take it’s “solid” like form. It turns into a liquid. I feel like people con be like that. When someone is cold to you for some time you change. You’re still the same person but you’re different at the same time. Mayo is still made of the same ingredients but it’s form is different.
You can’t “freeze” someone and expect them to be 100% the same. Yes ,they will still have all those “ingredients” you saw in them before but they will show themselves differently.
Keep searching for fireflies,
This week I took a big stand, against my anxiety and for myself. In past relationships I’ve laid down and taken whatever my S.O. has said and dished. Even if it meant pain to me. I’ve made life choices based completely on them. I’ve lied to family and myself. All because my anxiety told me if I didn’t of be alone again.
This time I stood my ground even if it meant the end of my engagement. I prayed that what God had in-store be done. Then I sat there and told my anxiety to step back and I put my foot down. I decided I was worth more then what I was receiving. Told the man I plan on marrying that I was tired of coming in second. I realized that I am worthy of love and devotion even with my thoughts out in the open and not just as a puppet.
It make take time but I’m realizing my worth. One firefly at a time.
So keep searching for fireflies.