life · Uncategorized

That’s not family. 

For somewhere that wants to be called “home” you can be offly exclusive. I’ve called you “home” most of my life and now that I’ve stepped away for a bit that “family” I came to know isn’t allowed to talk to me. 

That’s not how home works. I’ve none most of those people since I was 4 but if they saw me on the street they aren’t allowed to talk to me. If I called them up they probably wouldn’t answer. If I invited them to take part in an event, and even if they wanted to attend they would be highly advised not to. That’s not how anhoke or family works. That’s how the mob works.. or a cult. 

I can’t see a family not being happy for a member when there life is Changing in a way that is clearly for the better. I can’t see a family suddenly dropping any support they had for a person because there life got busy or because they had to move. Not when you’ve been family nineteen years. 
Maybe I don’t understand family. Maybe that is how family works. The same “family” that’s not being a family though is who helped give me my base knowledge of family. The knowledge I built all my relationships on. I just can’t see myself doing that to the “family” I’ve built. 



Keep searching for Fireflies ❤


Reggie. 

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life

A letter to the number I can’t delete. 

I cleaned out my contacts today. All the numbers that we’re of no use anymore. Yet when I came to yours I selected and unselected it several times. I told myself “just delete it” “you won’t reach who you want with that number.” “Heaven doesn’t have cell service” . I knew I was right but I didn’t delete it. 

I thought about texting it in fact. Thought about writing out the words I’d wished I said before it was to late. I’ve been fussing at myself since it happened for not messaging you the dozens of times you’d popped into my head. Maybe if I had there wouldn’t be so many people questioning of the accident was really an accident. Maybe I wouldn’t be questioning it. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I know we weren’t super close in the last year but I always counted you as family. 

I’m sorry J. I wish I had texted you about the anniversary of the buffaloing. I wish I had told you I missed you. I wish I’d said something. I wish I had introduced you to “Rueben”. I wish I could rewind time. But I can’t. So instead I keep your number saved. I keep considering texting it what I’d say to you. I wish heaven had phones, it would make this so much easier. 
Bet you can see ALL the fireflies up there. 
Keep searching for Fireflies,

Reggie. 

life · random

Blogtober

Hey y’all. So it’s the first day of Halloween  October. Which means BLOGTOBER. So I’m going to TRY and do a post everyday. I attempted this in my old blog… And FAILED twice. This year I am determined though.

I don’t know what I will write about each day yet but it will be something. I am counting this for day one’s post, kinda cheating but hey it’s my blog my rules. I’d have given a real one today but it’s been hectic. Not only is it the first day of blogtober but it’s the first day if planning month for NaNoWriMo and I can officially start wedding planning because I finally set a date.

I hope tomorrow’s will be a more REAL post but no promises yet.

 

Much love to my followers and readers.

 

 

Keep searching for Fireflies.

 

 

 

Reggie

anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized

Five year question . 

When I was 18 I was asked where I saw myself in five years. I’m sure you’ve probably been asked that before it’s  the usual question of the “adults” in your life. It was a question  I HATED getting asked because at 18 mkst days i wanted to be dead. Today on my 23rd birthday I am in a place that is completely different then where I wanted to be at 18. 

When I was 18 I was sure that if I hadn’t given up by  23 I would be an RN, married and maybe even have a kid. Sometime I wish I was where 18 year old me wanted me to be. I’ve come to realize though that maybe that’s not where God wanted me but where I wanted me. I wanted to be a young wife and mom, and yes I know ” you still have time for that Reggie, 23 isn’t old”. Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve heard it a million times. where I’m at wasn’t my five year plan though. 

Where I’m at is working in a daycare with amazing children I get to watch grow and learn and become small humans. Where I am is engaged to an amazing man who I will call my husband before year six starts a year from now. A man who I’ll be able.tp call the father of my children hopefully by year seven. Where I am is content and happy with the life i see unfolding before, the life that seems to be more of what God has planned, or at least I hope so. 

Where I am is 23, alive and not thinking about giving up. 

So during this 23rd year of life I will keep my eyes looking for fireflies and on God more than I did in the 22nd.
Keep searching for Fireflies.

Reggie.

anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized

A year ago. 

An entire year has passed since i had to say goodbye to a place I called home for almost 12 years. It was a hard goodbye. It was a insane battle of packing up a house that had been lived in by four people suffering from depression and another three dealing with it in the best way they could. 

None of us really wanted to leave. It was not buy choice that we were packing up our lives. The stress of it all even put one of us in the hospital. Everyone was at the end of their rope and trying not to lose it on each other. It was a rough time.

I feel that it was for the best though that if we hadn’t have left when we did we would have been consumed but the depression that place was growing. I’m not saying the move fixed us all completely but I think it did start a healing process. We had been fighting for so long to keep that place because it’s all any of us really knew anymore. 

It was the close of a chapter that at the time we thought was the close of a book. It was the start of changes that none of us saw coming. This place was a fresh start and even though it wasn’t perfect it’s what we needed. I don’t even know the people we were last year anymore. Moving here was a big step in faith. 

Faith that God was in the move. Faith that we wouldn’t lose my dad to his alcohol problem anymore that we already had. Faith that it wasn’t a huge mistake. It was iffy at first but today, a year later my dad is eager to go to church and eager to talk to God. Last night I watched him walk into an alter for the first time in almost two years. I saw him let people pray for him. I saw him reach for God and all I could do was thank God. 

No it wasn’t easy and no I wasn’t super excited about it in the beginning but now looking back I’m glad we moved here. I’m glad this is where we were led. I’m thankful for the fireflies. 

So keep searching for Fireflies Guys. 

Reggie. 

Hope · life · worth

Stand up. 

This post is about standing up for yourself. For what you believe in. I believe that if you love someone you try every avenue of working out problems. You figure out what works. . And what doesn’t. You learn together and that will help you love together. 

I believe that you shouldn’t let someone come between you and your spouse, not a family member, not a friend, not a co-worker. NO ONE. well ok you can let God come between you but if he comes between you then maybe you shouldn’t be each other’s spouses to begin with. But that’s another topic for another post. 

I believe that you should build each other up not tear each other down. 

Stand up for yourself but also stand up for them. Help them find the fireflies in life while.you look for your own. This one doesn’t just go for spouses this goes for everyone. Sometimes helping someone else see some Fireflies shows you your own. 

Keep searching for fireflies. 

Reggie. 

 

anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized

Opinions

I posted a picture on my social media today. I didn’t look at it for ten minutes. I don’t take twelve to chose from. I took one and I posted it. Sure I added a filter but I didn’t try every one. 

That was a first. I’m praying it won’t be the last time though because it felt freeing. I’m so tired of trying to impress everyone. I want to be happy and love the life I live and by loving under the thought that everyone else’s opinion matters won’t let me do that. I’m slowly seeing the Fireflies through the fog of the rest of society and man, they are BRIGHT. 

Keep searching for Fireflies. 

Reggie.

anxiety · depression · life · Uncategorized

Today. 

Today I feel like running away. Today I feel like disappearing. Today I feel like I don’t matter. Today I feel like not existing. Today is hard. Today is painful. Today it feels like my anxiety is winning.                                         Today it feels like my depression is in charge.                                     Today I feel like giving up and giving in. 

I don’t like today. Maybe tomorrow will be better….. Maybe.

Keep searching for fireflies.
Reggie.

life · Uncategorized

Just a post.

So far after starting this new blog I feel so much better. I had a previous blog, and I loved it. It was such a release to write there, but I was convinced to go public and let everyone know about it. I thought it was a good idea for a while but then it just turned into another trigger for my anxiety. “Is anyone going to read it?” “Is it long enough?” “Does it make perfect sense?” ” Is it pretty? ” These along with so many other questions racing through my mind kept me from being able to make a post. So I decided to create this one. 

It has been so freeing and uplifting honestly. The anonymous factor is amazing. None of you can bump into me on the street, or in the grocery store and say “oh, hey I read your blog and _______” whatever thought follows. Sure you can comment here but I don’t feel like it would have the same effect. Where on the other one it would take days for a post to be ready, here I think it, I type it, I post it. If you read it great, if you don’t great. Of course I hope someone reads what I have to say but I don’t have to scroll through my Facebook wondering who has read my post. Somehow this is just another one of my fireflies. 

So, keep searching for fireflies lovelies. 
Reggie

life · Uncategorized

Freeze

Have you ever tried to freeze mayo? Where I work we need ice packs a lot. We have lots of booboos and, we have found the best thing to use for little booboos are sauce packets. For example mayo. There are times when someone needs the actual sauce so we just grab a pack and let it thaw. Usually they work like normal. Except mayo. 

When mayo thaws after being frozen it doesn’t take it’s “solid” like form. It turns into a liquid. I feel like people con be like that. When someone is cold to you for some time you change. You’re still the same person but you’re different at the same time. Mayo is still made of the same ingredients but it’s form is different. 

You can’t “freeze” someone and expect them to be 100% the same. Yes ,they will still have all those “ingredients” you saw in them before but they will show themselves differently. 

Keep searching for fireflies,

Reggie