2018 · anxiety · depression · life


It’s days like today that I wish I had a habit like smoking. A habit that could numb my thoughts. A habit that could let me go through the motions.

I hate when you’re having an amazing day. A day full of laughter and love. Then that little box you carry everywhere you go makes a sound, or a buzz and your entire day crumbles. Your insides are suddenly jelly and empty. Your day gets ruined by that person who always makes you feel like you aren’t ever enough. That person who in normal society is supposed to be part of your support system in life. Part of the people that build you up.

I’ve tried to please this person my entire life and yet I’ve never been able to. Just like my mother before me. Wether it was the color of my hair or the cut. Or the diet choices I made or the body modifications I’ve chosen. Me just sticking around even when everyone else in her life had turned their backs wasn’t enough. I feel like no matter what I’ll never be enough. I’m so TIRED of never being enough. I’m so tired of having my day ruined or my week ruined Because I’m not enough.

I am enough for me. I want to be enough for me. I want to feel like I am enough without trying.

Keep searching for Fireflies.


2018 · life

We watched. 

Tonight my sisters and I watched my father force his way behind the wheel of our family vehicle after he’d had to much to drink during what was supposed to be a family fun day. We watched and listened as he yelled and screamed at us about how he was done with us, because I told him he was being a drunk asshole. We watched as he got road rage with a man who pulled a gun Because my dad wouldn’t turn off his brights. We watched as he jumped out of the car to “have his ass, he couldn’t pull that trigger even if he wanted too.”. We watched as myother got in the driver’s seat before he came back to the passenger seat. We watched him get out again. We watched as my mother drove away leaving him. We watched blue lights head his way. We watched mom turn around. We watched the officer cuff him. We watched our mother talk to the police. We watched him be put in a cop car and be driving away. We watched us drive home to a house that felt empty. 
Looking for the fireflies here but not sure I see them yet. 


anxiety · Hope · life

365 days.

A lot has changed in such a short amount of time. At the beginning of this year I thought I had lost my best friend in the entire world. Yet on the final day of 2017 I sit on her couch after spending the day running errands and spending time together before both of our S.O.s join us. 

I’ve lost people and gained people this year and in hindsight I realize what a blessing each gain and even each loss was. It’s not been an easy year but it’s been a year of change and a year of growth. 

365 days of growth. Growth as a person. Growth as a future wife. Growth as a friend. Growth as a daughter. Growth as a Christian. 

I never thought that I would be here when this year started. I never thought that my life would be like this. No I am not saying it’s perfect, I mean my anxiety and depression still show their mean faces and send me into downward spiral but it’s easier to get back up then it was at the beginning of the year. 

I’m just saying I don’t want to give up as often. I’m saying I haven’t given up on the fireflies. 
In the next 365 days I’m not making any promises but I do want to try to write at least once a week. Honestly I want to do a post every day but I don’t have that much faith in myself. We will see what happens though.

Keep searching for Fireflies ❤


life · Uncategorized

That’s not family. 

For somewhere that wants to be called “home” you can be offly exclusive. I’ve called you “home” most of my life and now that I’ve stepped away for a bit that “family” I came to know isn’t allowed to talk to me. 

That’s not how home works. I’ve none most of those people since I was 4 but if they saw me on the street they aren’t allowed to talk to me. If I called them up they probably wouldn’t answer. If I invited them to take part in an event, and even if they wanted to attend they would be highly advised not to. That’s not how anhoke or family works. That’s how the mob works.. or a cult. 

I can’t see a family not being happy for a member when there life is Changing in a way that is clearly for the better. I can’t see a family suddenly dropping any support they had for a person because there life got busy or because they had to move. Not when you’ve been family nineteen years. 
Maybe I don’t understand family. Maybe that is how family works. The same “family” that’s not being a family though is who helped give me my base knowledge of family. The knowledge I built all my relationships on. I just can’t see myself doing that to the “family” I’ve built. 

Keep searching for Fireflies ❤



A letter to the number I can’t delete. 

I cleaned out my contacts today. All the numbers that we’re of no use anymore. Yet when I came to yours I selected and unselected it several times. I told myself “just delete it” “you won’t reach who you want with that number.” “Heaven doesn’t have cell service” . I knew I was right but I didn’t delete it. 

I thought about texting it in fact. Thought about writing out the words I’d wished I said before it was to late. I’ve been fussing at myself since it happened for not messaging you the dozens of times you’d popped into my head. Maybe if I had there wouldn’t be so many people questioning of the accident was really an accident. Maybe I wouldn’t be questioning it. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I know we weren’t super close in the last year but I always counted you as family. 

I’m sorry J. I wish I had texted you about the anniversary of the buffaloing. I wish I had told you I missed you. I wish I’d said something. I wish I had introduced you to “Rueben”. I wish I could rewind time. But I can’t. So instead I keep your number saved. I keep considering texting it what I’d say to you. I wish heaven had phones, it would make this so much easier. 
Bet you can see ALL the fireflies up there. 
Keep searching for Fireflies,


life · random


Hey y’all. So it’s the first day of Halloween  October. Which means BLOGTOBER. So I’m going to TRY and do a post everyday. I attempted this in my old blog… And FAILED twice. This year I am determined though.

I don’t know what I will write about each day yet but it will be something. I am counting this for day one’s post, kinda cheating but hey it’s my blog my rules. I’d have given a real one today but it’s been hectic. Not only is it the first day of blogtober but it’s the first day if planning month for NaNoWriMo and I can officially start wedding planning because I finally set a date.

I hope tomorrow’s will be a more REAL post but no promises yet.


Much love to my followers and readers.



Keep searching for Fireflies.





anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized

Five year question . 

When I was 18 I was asked where I saw myself in five years. I’m sure you’ve probably been asked that before it’s  the usual question of the “adults” in your life. It was a question  I HATED getting asked because at 18 mkst days i wanted to be dead. Today on my 23rd birthday I am in a place that is completely different then where I wanted to be at 18. 

When I was 18 I was sure that if I hadn’t given up by  23 I would be an RN, married and maybe even have a kid. Sometime I wish I was where 18 year old me wanted me to be. I’ve come to realize though that maybe that’s not where God wanted me but where I wanted me. I wanted to be a young wife and mom, and yes I know ” you still have time for that Reggie, 23 isn’t old”. Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve heard it a million times. where I’m at wasn’t my five year plan though. 

Where I’m at is working in a daycare with amazing children I get to watch grow and learn and become small humans. Where I am is engaged to an amazing man who I will call my husband before year six starts a year from now. A man who I’ll be able.tp call the father of my children hopefully by year seven. Where I am is content and happy with the life i see unfolding before, the life that seems to be more of what God has planned, or at least I hope so. 

Where I am is 23, alive and not thinking about giving up. 

So during this 23rd year of life I will keep my eyes looking for fireflies and on God more than I did in the 22nd.
Keep searching for Fireflies.


anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized

A year ago. 

An entire year has passed since i had to say goodbye to a place I called home for almost 12 years. It was a hard goodbye. It was a insane battle of packing up a house that had been lived in by four people suffering from depression and another three dealing with it in the best way they could. 

None of us really wanted to leave. It was not buy choice that we were packing up our lives. The stress of it all even put one of us in the hospital. Everyone was at the end of their rope and trying not to lose it on each other. It was a rough time.

I feel that it was for the best though that if we hadn’t have left when we did we would have been consumed but the depression that place was growing. I’m not saying the move fixed us all completely but I think it did start a healing process. We had been fighting for so long to keep that place because it’s all any of us really knew anymore. 

It was the close of a chapter that at the time we thought was the close of a book. It was the start of changes that none of us saw coming. This place was a fresh start and even though it wasn’t perfect it’s what we needed. I don’t even know the people we were last year anymore. Moving here was a big step in faith. 

Faith that God was in the move. Faith that we wouldn’t lose my dad to his alcohol problem anymore that we already had. Faith that it wasn’t a huge mistake. It was iffy at first but today, a year later my dad is eager to go to church and eager to talk to God. Last night I watched him walk into an alter for the first time in almost two years. I saw him let people pray for him. I saw him reach for God and all I could do was thank God. 

No it wasn’t easy and no I wasn’t super excited about it in the beginning but now looking back I’m glad we moved here. I’m glad this is where we were led. I’m thankful for the fireflies. 

So keep searching for Fireflies Guys. 


Hope · life · worth

Stand up. 

This post is about standing up for yourself. For what you believe in. I believe that if you love someone you try every avenue of working out problems. You figure out what works. . And what doesn’t. You learn together and that will help you love together. 

I believe that you shouldn’t let someone come between you and your spouse, not a family member, not a friend, not a co-worker. NO ONE. well ok you can let God come between you but if he comes between you then maybe you shouldn’t be each other’s spouses to begin with. But that’s another topic for another post. 

I believe that you should build each other up not tear each other down. 

Stand up for yourself but also stand up for them. Help them find the fireflies in life while.you look for your own. This one doesn’t just go for spouses this goes for everyone. Sometimes helping someone else see some Fireflies shows you your own. 

Keep searching for fireflies. 



anxiety · depression · Hope · life · Uncategorized


I posted a picture on my social media today. I didn’t look at it for ten minutes. I don’t take twelve to chose from. I took one and I posted it. Sure I added a filter but I didn’t try every one. 

That was a first. I’m praying it won’t be the last time though because it felt freeing. I’m so tired of trying to impress everyone. I want to be happy and love the life I live and by loving under the thought that everyone else’s opinion matters won’t let me do that. I’m slowly seeing the Fireflies through the fog of the rest of society and man, they are BRIGHT. 

Keep searching for Fireflies.