I should be celebrating one month of marriage.
Instead I am celebrating the fact that I haven’t cried over him today.
I should be cooking dinner for my husband.
Instead I work extra hours so I can fall straight to sleep when I get home.
I should be going to my own home at a new address that is in my name.
Instead I go back to my parents house and hide in a room I was ready to part with.
Life isn’t wat I was expecting it to be. Life isn’t where it should be.
Instead life is upside down and broken and I am lost and confused.
I’m still trying to search for a Firefly but it’s just to dark to even see that light right now.
It’s days like today that I wish I had a habit like smoking. A habit that could numb my thoughts. A habit that could let me go through the motions.
I hate when you’re having an amazing day. A day full of laughter and love. Then that little box you carry everywhere you go makes a sound, or a buzz and your entire day crumbles. Your insides are suddenly jelly and empty. Your day gets ruined by that person who always makes you feel like you aren’t ever enough. That person who in normal society is supposed to be part of your support system in life. Part of the people that build you up.
I’ve tried to please this person my entire life and yet I’ve never been able to. Just like my mother before me. Wether it was the color of my hair or the cut. Or the diet choices I made or the body modifications I’ve chosen. Me just sticking around even when everyone else in her life had turned their backs wasn’t enough. I feel like no matter what I’ll never be enough. I’m so TIRED of never being enough. I’m so tired of having my day ruined or my week ruined Because I’m not enough.
I am enough for me. I want to be enough for me. I want to feel like I am enough without trying.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
When I was 18 I was asked where I saw myself in five years. I’m sure you’ve probably been asked that before it’s the usual question of the “adults” in your life. It was a question I HATED getting asked because at 18 mkst days i wanted to be dead. Today on my 23rd birthday I am in a place that is completely different then where I wanted to be at 18.
When I was 18 I was sure that if I hadn’t given up by 23 I would be an RN, married and maybe even have a kid. Sometime I wish I was where 18 year old me wanted me to be. I’ve come to realize though that maybe that’s not where God wanted me but where I wanted me. I wanted to be a young wife and mom, and yes I know ” you still have time for that Reggie, 23 isn’t old”. Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve heard it a million times. where I’m at wasn’t my five year plan though.
Where I’m at is working in a daycare with amazing children I get to watch grow and learn and become small humans. Where I am is engaged to an amazing man who I will call my husband before year six starts a year from now. A man who I’ll be able.tp call the father of my children hopefully by year seven. Where I am is content and happy with the life i see unfolding before, the life that seems to be more of what God has planned, or at least I hope so.
Where I am is 23, alive and not thinking about giving up.
So during this 23rd year of life I will keep my eyes looking for fireflies and on God more than I did in the 22nd.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
An entire year has passed since i had to say goodbye to a place I called home for almost 12 years. It was a hard goodbye. It was a insane battle of packing up a house that had been lived in by four people suffering from depression and another three dealing with it in the best way they could.
None of us really wanted to leave. It was not buy choice that we were packing up our lives. The stress of it all even put one of us in the hospital. Everyone was at the end of their rope and trying not to lose it on each other. It was a rough time.
I feel that it was for the best though that if we hadn’t have left when we did we would have been consumed but the depression that place was growing. I’m not saying the move fixed us all completely but I think it did start a healing process. We had been fighting for so long to keep that place because it’s all any of us really knew anymore.
It was the close of a chapter that at the time we thought was the close of a book. It was the start of changes that none of us saw coming. This place was a fresh start and even though it wasn’t perfect it’s what we needed. I don’t even know the people we were last year anymore. Moving here was a big step in faith.
Faith that God was in the move. Faith that we wouldn’t lose my dad to his alcohol problem anymore that we already had. Faith that it wasn’t a huge mistake. It was iffy at first but today, a year later my dad is eager to go to church and eager to talk to God. Last night I watched him walk into an alter for the first time in almost two years. I saw him let people pray for him. I saw him reach for God and all I could do was thank God.
No it wasn’t easy and no I wasn’t super excited about it in the beginning but now looking back I’m glad we moved here. I’m glad this is where we were led. I’m thankful for the fireflies.
So keep searching for Fireflies Guys.
Today was a good day. Today I talked my someone who was my best friend most of my life for hours and it felt like old time. It showed me that maybe things can go back to how they were. Maybe not completely because things that have happened who have changed us, but maybe it’s the start of a new beginning. We won’t be able to get this past year back but we can use it as a learning experience to improve our relationship together for the future. Today I saw a firefly of hope for us.
Today I also ran into one of my old babies. When I first started teaching about 3 years ago I didn’t think it would be what I did with my life. Sometimes I’m still not sure but I do know that I’ll be doing it for a while. I was at the same center for a while and made some strong connections with the kids and their families so when I walked into a restaurant today for lunch and saw one of the babies from my second year of teaching I almost cried. Lately I have been missing them so much that it hurt. So to be able to walk up to that family today and have an amazing welcoming greeting did my heart good. And to see the child’s response when they realized who I was was another firefly for my day.
Sometimes it’s the little things like the chance of a new beginning or even the loving memories of the past that light up your dark skies. You just have to keep looking because you never know where you will find those little fireflies.
So keep searching for fireflies.
I posted a picture on my social media today. I didn’t look at it for ten minutes. I don’t take twelve to chose from. I took one and I posted it. Sure I added a filter but I didn’t try every one.
That was a first. I’m praying it won’t be the last time though because it felt freeing. I’m so tired of trying to impress everyone. I want to be happy and love the life I live and by loving under the thought that everyone else’s opinion matters won’t let me do that. I’m slowly seeing the Fireflies through the fog of the rest of society and man, they are BRIGHT.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
Today I feel like running away. Today I feel like disappearing. Today I feel like I don’t matter. Today I feel like not existing. Today is hard. Today is painful. Today it feels like my anxiety is winning. Today it feels like my depression is in charge. Today I feel like giving up and giving in.
I don’t like today. Maybe tomorrow will be better….. Maybe.
Keep searching for fireflies.
I guess you would say I’m unmedicated by choice, though I’m really not. You see I’d love to be medicated, especially if it really helped but there are a few reasons I never have been.
Reason one, I have no insurance and I am a lower-middle class american. Which means going to the doctor unless I’m on my death bed it’s just out of the question. It’s not affordable cash wise or time wise. Like in order to go I have to make sure and get as many hours as possible and not eat for a few weeks. Plus I would have to miss work to go.
Reason two, for years I refused to admit, even to myself, that there was something that wasn’t working right in my brain. Even though 4 out of the 7 people in my family are diagnosed and medicated (the other two are still really young) I couldn’t do it. I had to be the “normal” one. How I CRAVED to be “normal”. That was before I realized that was just a setting on the washer.
Because I craved being normal and wouldn’t admit to anyone I had something going on I refused to see a doctor. I refused to talk to anyone who was being paid to listen to my problems. Oh how I wish I could go back and tell young me that it’s ok not to be “normal”. It’s ok to express yourself. Truthfully though I don’t know if I would be able to talk to anyone now. Though, I guess that’s kinda what I’m doing here. I’m talking to someone. Even if it is mostly just myself and no one ever reads these words other than me. I’m talking. I’m getting it out.
This blog will be my therapist, my doctor, and my medicine. For the time being at least. Maybe one day I’ll finally give in. I’ll finally talk to a real person that’s sitting across from me.
Keep searching for fireflies.