I realize now my relationship wasn’t as perfect as I liked to pretend it was. It wasn’t as happy as I claimed. I wasn’t as happy as I claimed. I wanted it to work though. And maybe it’s because everyone around me kept saying how perfect we were and that they could see the love. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t want to fail at this. Maybe it’s that as a girl of my “size” I didn’t think I’d find anyone who would “settle for me”.
I was wrong. I was wrong to pretend. I was wrong to think that. I was wrong to let it go that far.
Yes this hurts. Yes at some point I did love him, but no I was no longer in love with him and in all honesty I’m glad it’s over and I’m glad it ended when it did and not after we were married and stuck with a mortgage.
I’m going to hurt from this but I’m allowed to move on and I’m allowed to be happy. Not just pretend happy but Truly happy.
Slowly seeing the fireflies again.
I should be celebrating one month of marriage.
Instead I am celebrating the fact that I haven’t cried over him today.
I should be cooking dinner for my husband.
Instead I work extra hours so I can fall straight to sleep when I get home.
I should be going to my own home at a new address that is in my name.
Instead I go back to my parents house and hide in a room I was ready to part with.
Life isn’t wat I was expecting it to be. Life isn’t where it should be.
Instead life is upside down and broken and I am lost and confused.
I’m still trying to search for a Firefly but it’s just to dark to even see that light right now.
For two years I heard the words “I love you” on repeat.
For the past three weeks my mind has repeated “you’re not good enough”.
I should be celebrating three weeks of marriage.
Instead I’m celebrating three weeks of not giving in to the urge to kill myself.
I gave a
man boy the power to break me. I let him have hold of my heart and he told me I wasn’t what he wanted anymore.
I showed him every shade of me and he didn’t like my “true colors “. Now I’m trying to find what color was so offensive to him but all I’m seeing is red. I thought that was his favorite.
Not sure I see the Fireflies anymore.
It’s days like today that I wish I had a habit like smoking. A habit that could numb my thoughts. A habit that could let me go through the motions.
I hate when you’re having an amazing day. A day full of laughter and love. Then that little box you carry everywhere you go makes a sound, or a buzz and your entire day crumbles. Your insides are suddenly jelly and empty. Your day gets ruined by that person who always makes you feel like you aren’t ever enough. That person who in normal society is supposed to be part of your support system in life. Part of the people that build you up.
I’ve tried to please this person my entire life and yet I’ve never been able to. Just like my mother before me. Wether it was the color of my hair or the cut. Or the diet choices I made or the body modifications I’ve chosen. Me just sticking around even when everyone else in her life had turned their backs wasn’t enough. I feel like no matter what I’ll never be enough. I’m so TIRED of never being enough. I’m so tired of having my day ruined or my week ruined Because I’m not enough.
I am enough for me. I want to be enough for me. I want to feel like I am enough without trying.
Keep searching for Fireflies.
Tonight my sisters and I watched my father force his way behind the wheel of our family vehicle after he’d had to much to drink during what was supposed to be a family fun day. We watched and listened as he yelled and screamed at us about how he was done with us, because I told him he was being a drunk asshole. We watched as he got road rage with a man who pulled a gun Because my dad wouldn’t turn off his brights. We watched as he jumped out of the car to “have his ass, he couldn’t pull that trigger even if he wanted too.”. We watched as myother got in the driver’s seat before he came back to the passenger seat. We watched him get out again. We watched as my mother drove away leaving him. We watched blue lights head his way. We watched mom turn around. We watched the officer cuff him. We watched our mother talk to the police. We watched him be put in a cop car and be driving away. We watched us drive home to a house that felt empty.
Looking for the fireflies here but not sure I see them yet.
Personally I don’t do new years resolutions. I don’t do the “new year new me” thing. If you do more power to you. I do believe that everyday is a new chance to make a difference. In yourself, in the world. It’s a chance to make a difference in someone else’s life.
Everytime you wake up and open your eyes is a chance to do something different. You have to embrace each day no matter what happened the day before.
Each day is a chance to forgive and a chance to move on from the things of the past. So I don’t do new year, new me but I believe in new day new chance. So use this day. Day one of 365 to start embracing the days. To start taking chances and making moves. It’s page one of chapter one.
Have an amazing new year and keep searching for Fireflies.
A lot has changed in such a short amount of time. At the beginning of this year I thought I had lost my best friend in the entire world. Yet on the final day of 2017 I sit on her couch after spending the day running errands and spending time together before both of our S.O.s join us.
I’ve lost people and gained people this year and in hindsight I realize what a blessing each gain and even each loss was. It’s not been an easy year but it’s been a year of change and a year of growth.
365 days of growth. Growth as a person. Growth as a future wife. Growth as a friend. Growth as a daughter. Growth as a Christian.
I never thought that I would be here when this year started. I never thought that my life would be like this. No I am not saying it’s perfect, I mean my anxiety and depression still show their mean faces and send me into downward spiral but it’s easier to get back up then it was at the beginning of the year.
I’m just saying I don’t want to give up as often. I’m saying I haven’t given up on the fireflies.
In the next 365 days I’m not making any promises but I do want to try to write at least once a week. Honestly I want to do a post every day but I don’t have that much faith in myself. We will see what happens though.
Keep searching for Fireflies ❤
For somewhere that wants to be called “home” you can be offly exclusive. I’ve called you “home” most of my life and now that I’ve stepped away for a bit that “family” I came to know isn’t allowed to talk to me.
That’s not how home works. I’ve none most of those people since I was 4 but if they saw me on the street they aren’t allowed to talk to me. If I called them up they probably wouldn’t answer. If I invited them to take part in an event, and even if they wanted to attend they would be highly advised not to. That’s not how anhoke or family works. That’s how the mob works.. or a cult.
I can’t see a family not being happy for a member when there life is Changing in a way that is clearly for the better. I can’t see a family suddenly dropping any support they had for a person because there life got busy or because they had to move. Not when you’ve been family nineteen years.
Maybe I don’t understand family. Maybe that is how family works. The same “family” that’s not being a family though is who helped give me my base knowledge of family. The knowledge I built all my relationships on. I just can’t see myself doing that to the “family” I’ve built.
Keep searching for Fireflies ❤
I cleaned out my contacts today. All the numbers that we’re of no use anymore. Yet when I came to yours I selected and unselected it several times. I told myself “just delete it” “you won’t reach who you want with that number.” “Heaven doesn’t have cell service” . I knew I was right but I didn’t delete it.
I thought about texting it in fact. Thought about writing out the words I’d wished I said before it was to late. I’ve been fussing at myself since it happened for not messaging you the dozens of times you’d popped into my head. Maybe if I had there wouldn’t be so many people questioning of the accident was really an accident. Maybe I wouldn’t be questioning it. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I know we weren’t super close in the last year but I always counted you as family.
I’m sorry J. I wish I had texted you about the anniversary of the buffaloing. I wish I had told you I missed you. I wish I’d said something. I wish I had introduced you to “Rueben”. I wish I could rewind time. But I can’t. So instead I keep your number saved. I keep considering texting it what I’d say to you. I wish heaven had phones, it would make this so much easier.
Bet you can see ALL the fireflies up there.
Keep searching for Fireflies,
I am you. Trying to stay out of the light. Trying to get by without being noticed. Trying to avoid whatever it is that sent you into this corner to begin with.
I’m usually trying to avoid anything that will send me into yet another anxiety attack. Trying to avoid the stuttering and of beat breathing and the inability to form coherent thoughts in a normal response time.
Sometimes I stay in that corner long enough to just catch my breath. Other times I’m there so long I should change my address. I’m there long enough to feel like “Ok, you can face the world again” and then I step out of the corner that me safe. And in those moments I feel like me.
You know those moments, the ones where your smile is real and genuine and you can laugh without it being forced. Oh how I live for& love those moments, how I love those moments. The moments where I see a brief flash of the Reggie I was before anxiety and depression started to rule my life.
Oh but how few and far between those moments are. It feels like I blink and poof I am scurrying back to that corner. Back to so called safety. It isn’t though, it isn’t safe. The darkness of that corner is where the anxiety and depression live, it’s where they wait for me. I hate that corner. I hate that it loves me and seems so inviting from the middle of the room.
I’m tired of that corner. I’m tired of the battle with these monsters. Its a losing battle it feels like. And I’m tired of losing. My only choice in this battle I’m tired of fighting are to win or give up and I want to win, I will win. It will take time I know, and lots of prayer. I can do this.
Keep searching for Fireflies.