I realize now my relationship wasn’t as perfect as I liked to pretend it was. It wasn’t as happy as I claimed. I wasn’t as happy as I claimed. I wanted it to work though. And maybe it’s because everyone around me kept saying how perfect we were and that they could see the love. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t want to fail at this. Maybe it’s that as a girl of my “size” I didn’t think I’d find anyone who would “settle for me”.
I was wrong. I was wrong to pretend. I was wrong to think that. I was wrong to let it go that far.
Yes this hurts. Yes at some point I did love him, but no I was no longer in love with him and in all honesty I’m glad it’s over and I’m glad it ended when it did and not after we were married and stuck with a mortgage.
I’m going to hurt from this but I’m allowed to move on and I’m allowed to be happy. Not just pretend happy but Truly happy.
Slowly seeing the fireflies again.
I should be celebrating one month of marriage.
Instead I am celebrating the fact that I haven’t cried over him today.
I should be cooking dinner for my husband.
Instead I work extra hours so I can fall straight to sleep when I get home.
I should be going to my own home at a new address that is in my name.
Instead I go back to my parents house and hide in a room I was ready to part with.
Life isn’t wat I was expecting it to be. Life isn’t where it should be.
Instead life is upside down and broken and I am lost and confused.
I’m still trying to search for a Firefly but it’s just to dark to even see that light right now.
For two years I heard the words “I love you” on repeat.
For the past three weeks my mind has repeated “you’re not good enough”.
I should be celebrating three weeks of marriage.
Instead I’m celebrating three weeks of not giving in to the urge to kill myself.
I gave a
man boy the power to break me. I let him have hold of my heart and he told me I wasn’t what he wanted anymore.
I showed him every shade of me and he didn’t like my “true colors “. Now I’m trying to find what color was so offensive to him but all I’m seeing is red. I thought that was his favorite.
Not sure I see the Fireflies anymore.