A letter to the girl in the corner.

I am you. Trying to stay out of the light. Trying to get by without being noticed. Trying to avoid whatever it is that sent you into this corner to begin with.

I’m usually trying to avoid anything that will send me into yet another anxiety attack. Trying to avoid the stuttering and of beat breathing and the inability to form coherent thoughts in a normal response time.
Sometimes I stay in that corner long enough to just catch my breath. Other times I’m there so long I should change my address. I’m there long enough to feel like “Ok, you can face the world again” and then I step out of the corner that me safe. And in those moments I feel like me.
You know those moments, the ones where your smile is real and genuine and you can laugh without it being forced. Oh how I live for& love those moments, how I love those moments. The moments where I see a brief flash of the Reggie I was before anxiety and depression started to rule my life.
Oh but how few and far between those moments are. It feels like I blink and poof I am scurrying back to that corner. Back to so called safety. It isn’t though, it isn’t safe. The darkness of that corner is where the anxiety and depression live, it’s where they wait for me. I hate that corner. I hate that it loves me and seems so inviting from the middle of the room.
I’m tired of that corner. I’m tired of the battle with these monsters. Its a losing battle it feels like. And I’m tired of losing. My only choice in this battle I’m tired of fighting are to win or give up and I want to win, I will win. It will take time I know, and lots of prayer. I can do this.

Keep searching for Fireflies. 

Reggie

Today’s firefly.

Before the relationship I’m in now I never had a serious relationship. Not one where the guy said “I know we’ve been dating a while but I want to perfect moment to actually ask you to be mine”. Not one where he stops at the gas station on his way to see me and asks if I want something while knowing exactly what I want and Getting it anyway. 

I know these are simple and little things but sometimes it’s those things that make you feel in love. He goes out of his way to make sure he is there for me in my stressful moments. He understands when date night gets cut short because I’m tired and stressed. He tries everything he can think of when he catches me mid panic attack. 

He knows my favorite wine and my favorite food. He lets me pick the Netflix show and watches scary movies even though he hates them, just because I ask. 

I never thought I’d find my prince charming but I think I’ve come pretty close. I never thought I’d get a happy ending but I can see it in the works every time I look in his eyes. 

I’m so blessed to have this man and I can thank God enough for him. 

That’s today’s firefly for me. 

Keep searching for Fireflies. 

Reggie.

P.s. 

Still accepting Q&A question. 

Five year question .

When I was 18 I was asked where I saw myself in five years. I’m sure you’ve probably been asked that before it’s  the usual question of the “adults” in your life. It was a question  I HATED getting asked because at 18 mkst days i wanted to be dead. Today on my 23rd birthday I am in a place that is completely different then where I wanted to be at 18. 

When I was 18 I was sure that if I hadn’t given up by  23 I would be an RN, married and maybe even have a kid. Sometime I wish I was where 18 year old me wanted me to be. I’ve come to realize though that maybe that’s not where God wanted me but where I wanted me. I wanted to be a young wife and mom, and yes I know ” you still have time for that Reggie, 23 isn’t old”. Yeah yeah yeah. I’ve heard it a million times. where I’m at wasn’t my five year plan though. 

Where I’m at is working in a daycare with amazing children I get to watch grow and learn and become small humans. Where I am is engaged to an amazing man who I will call my husband before year six starts a year from now. A man who I’ll be able.tp call the father of my children hopefully by year seven. Where I am is content and happy with the life i see unfolding before, the life that seems to be more of what God has planned, or at least I hope so. 

Where I am is 23, alive and not thinking about giving up. 

So during this 23rd year of life I will keep my eyes looking for fireflies and on God more than I did in the 22nd.
Keep searching for Fireflies.

Reggie.